Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Reasons Not to Get a Puppy

(get a dog instead)

1. morning face chomping
2. new ear piercings
3. cat weight loss (from running so much)
4. poop
5. poop
6. poop
7. poop on your backpack
8. urine in your suitcase
9. urine on your backpack
10. urine on your cat tent
11. urine in the bathtub (I can't even be mad about that one)
12. urine on the puppy's face, when she sticks it in another dog's stream
13. your socks are permanently a yellow shade
14. holes in the bottom of every single pair of pants you own
15. your water bowl doubles as a lap pool
16. your toilet bowl doubles as a diving pool
17. you fully understand the reason behind pet deposits
18. your puppy continuously uses the "outdoor button" aka door stop
19. she only uses the bathroom 30% of the time you respond to said button
17. she uses the bathroom inside 100% of the time you don't respond
18. your puppy barks the entire hour of puppy class
19. afterwards, the trainer asks you if you realize what you got yourself into
20. and you have to admit, yes, and we're really that stupid.

or lucky ;)


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A predisposition to fear

Sometime ago, I conquered my fears and asked you to come out with me by lying about chocolates. Then I conquered my fears by chasing you up your roof. For some time I was fearless; being awesome.

Now, I have become afraid again. Perhaps the satellite will not function; I have to go to Houston to fix it, god I hate Houston. Maybe the batteries are going to explode and it won't get on the Shuttle, better worry about that for a while. Okay now the satellite is on the shuttle done with that.

Gotta catch up with making the orbits the best they can be. Can't do that tonight honey I gotta make this 9 dimensional problem find a local minimum so I can show the same uninteresting plot that everyone else has. Done with that, oh another 9 dimensional problem but this time we have to approach it in another way that will improve the results by less than a percentage point. Weee better figure that shit out, oh but the parameters make no real world sense. Oh and do it FORTRAN, the second programming language; written with punch cards in mind. Done with that?

I better start worrying about motivating you to pass your tests. Not passing is a scenario that causes me to lose sleep. You are not motivated and you are scared; I am scared out of my mind. I tell you that its win-win-win situation (don't worry), but its not; its a lose-a-little/lose-way-too-much situation. I better streamline your life for you because that is what I do; I fucking optimize. I streamline; I fucking use semi-colons. I get aero. Why do you not respond to the tactics that would work on me? I am unable to think of any other approach. I better be like the GOPausaur and try the same thing over and over again. Almost there, 54 points left to go. Less afraid, still afraid. Irrational fear.

I got 1 week to go before I can be happy again, because then I won't have anything to worry about; except the next thing to worry about, that worries me. Maybe I should be the one on Prozac?

Througout my life I have had a significant predisposition to fear. I have feared the most stupid of things. Irrational stupid things that make me ashamed because it makes no sense for someone like me, brain the size of a planet, to fear something so dumb. So what can I do? I have made a couple posters infront of my computer that say harden the fuck up, but thats not the fucking problem. I am too hard, because I am scared stiff.

In my dreams my life consists of waking up early, riding my bike for a couple hours, going to work, making brilliant break throughs, a significant thesis that justifies my wage. I come home and sweep you off your feet by being the person I decided to be when I would just get the chance to be with someone like you.

Right now, I am not achieveing my goals. I have been uninspired to fight my fears. I have crawled down and streamlined so that I can achieve the bare minimum acceptable goals with the minimum effort. Coffee makes me brave occasionally, but that does not last. I need a bigger engine, a bigger heart.

Right now I am a facade. How can I become fearless again?