Wednesday, May 6, 2009

A predisposition to fear

Sometime ago, I conquered my fears and asked you to come out with me by lying about chocolates. Then I conquered my fears by chasing you up your roof. For some time I was fearless; being awesome.

Now, I have become afraid again. Perhaps the satellite will not function; I have to go to Houston to fix it, god I hate Houston. Maybe the batteries are going to explode and it won't get on the Shuttle, better worry about that for a while. Okay now the satellite is on the shuttle done with that.

Gotta catch up with making the orbits the best they can be. Can't do that tonight honey I gotta make this 9 dimensional problem find a local minimum so I can show the same uninteresting plot that everyone else has. Done with that, oh another 9 dimensional problem but this time we have to approach it in another way that will improve the results by less than a percentage point. Weee better figure that shit out, oh but the parameters make no real world sense. Oh and do it FORTRAN, the second programming language; written with punch cards in mind. Done with that?

I better start worrying about motivating you to pass your tests. Not passing is a scenario that causes me to lose sleep. You are not motivated and you are scared; I am scared out of my mind. I tell you that its win-win-win situation (don't worry), but its not; its a lose-a-little/lose-way-too-much situation. I better streamline your life for you because that is what I do; I fucking optimize. I streamline; I fucking use semi-colons. I get aero. Why do you not respond to the tactics that would work on me? I am unable to think of any other approach. I better be like the GOPausaur and try the same thing over and over again. Almost there, 54 points left to go. Less afraid, still afraid. Irrational fear.

I got 1 week to go before I can be happy again, because then I won't have anything to worry about; except the next thing to worry about, that worries me. Maybe I should be the one on Prozac?

Througout my life I have had a significant predisposition to fear. I have feared the most stupid of things. Irrational stupid things that make me ashamed because it makes no sense for someone like me, brain the size of a planet, to fear something so dumb. So what can I do? I have made a couple posters infront of my computer that say harden the fuck up, but thats not the fucking problem. I am too hard, because I am scared stiff.

In my dreams my life consists of waking up early, riding my bike for a couple hours, going to work, making brilliant break throughs, a significant thesis that justifies my wage. I come home and sweep you off your feet by being the person I decided to be when I would just get the chance to be with someone like you.

Right now, I am not achieveing my goals. I have been uninspired to fight my fears. I have crawled down and streamlined so that I can achieve the bare minimum acceptable goals with the minimum effort. Coffee makes me brave occasionally, but that does not last. I need a bigger engine, a bigger heart.

Right now I am a facade. How can I become fearless again?

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